I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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