I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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