after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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