Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
