I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
