How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
You took a bar mat shot.
Less talking, more tequila
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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