Nicole vs. Life
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
