I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
