the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
whose parrot is this?
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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