Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
