EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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