I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
