It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
