roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
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