My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Randomize
