You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
