Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
