wanna go halves on a baby?
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
