I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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