I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
You need Xanax blowdarts
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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