There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
My pussy is not your playground.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Randomize
