Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
