When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
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