I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
