so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
