watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
