bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Randomize
