She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
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