Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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