Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
