cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Randomize
