some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
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