I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
