You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
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