forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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