you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
