Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
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