We're facebook friends in real life
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
