When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
