I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
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