Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
