I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
