the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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