i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
