Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
