Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
