A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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