i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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