If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
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