I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Randomize
